the first year of marriage
We have all heard the statement, "the first year is the hardest". Can you picture the person who first said that to you? Did they seem happy about being married or were they proclaiming their happiness through gritted teeth?
Does hearing the first year is the hardest really make you want to get married if you are still single? Have you witnessed your parents or married friends fighting or complaining about the difficulties of being married. Have you been the recipient of the famous comments, "you just don't know how hard it is" or "the grass is always greener" or "I hope one day you find out how tough it is to be married"? Have you been told you are too "pie-in-the-sky" or too "romantical" about what marriage really means?
Are you ready to have that "blissful" experience you think of as marriage and not the one those people complain about? If you are ready to have a fabulous and fun entry into the World of Marriage, then this article is for YOU.
A successful Marriage as anything else in this world, begins with a good foundation. You are responsible for creating that foundation. I know it seems like it might be a bit of work and it can also be a lot of FUN.
A good foundation starts with the familiar catch all phrase of "Self-Love". If you both take care of yourselves and take responsibility for your own happiness, then you will be very powerful in creating happiness with each other. Be responsible for yourself and for your actions. Know that taking care of yourself is a key component to a good foundation and a key ingredient to a successful marriage.
A sense of humor in the face of the everyday stuff, can be very powerful for your relationship with yourself and with your partner. It allows for creative solutions to otherwise challenging situations. Learning how to laugh at yourself and learning to not take life too seriously can create some very fun evenings that you will both be talking about for years to come.
Create an agreement that only one person can be crazed at a time and stick with the agreement. If your partner comes home from a bad day at the office and needs to blow off steam by complaining, give them the space to do that as long as you are not being harmed by the situation. Wait until they are finished before jumping in with complaints from your day. This is about making sure that both you and your partner feel heard and listened to and goes a long way in feeling appreciated and acknowledged.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. The caveat here is to communicate without criticism. Your partner needs to know when they have stepped on your boundaries or when they have harmed you. You are BOTH individuals that deserve to be treated well and sometimes we make mistakes and occasionally we hurt each other unknowingly. You need to share your needs in a calm and non-critical way. You also need to make space for your partner to share their side of the story. If you both can understand where you are coming from then you will know how to take care of each other in the future.
Do not complain to your friends, your family or your partner's family about them. Even though you think these comments might be made in confidence, the criticism about your partner will be felt by them. Somehow we all know when we have been spoken about in a critical way. Even if we are not present, we still know. This can be a powerful force on your relationship. Unless you are being harmed in a way that requires the help of friends and family, keep your personal complaints between you and your partner. So, if your partner is sloppy around the house, do not share this with six friends unless you are seeking real help to resolve the situation. If this is the case, then you might want to speak with a coach or another qualified individual who can be constructive and objective in solving your situation.
Share responsibilities and acknowledge and use each other's strengths to get the everyday things accomplished. We don't often like to hear this but sometimes other people can do things better than we can. There is nothing wrong with letting your partner wash the dishes if you are the better cook - or taking turns depending on who wants to cook. The same thing with cleaning the bathroom or doing the laundry or paying the bills or keeping track of Birthdays or whatever else needs to get done. There is also the other alternative of doing some of the chores together (i.e., food shopping or laundry). Express appreciation for the hard work your partner did to handle the bills or cook a fabulous dinner. This will go a long way in creating a successful foundation for your Marriage.
Greet your partner every day with a hug and a kiss and say I Love You at least once a day. Whether it is the first thing you do upon waking up or the first thing you do when they arrive home at night, this is a powerful way to reaffirm your bond every day. It is also a pleasant way to reconnect with each other. It is also powerful to say "Goodnight" to each other before going to bed.
Find something to appreciate about your partner every day and communicate that to them. It can be as simple as a Thank You for throwing out the garbage or telling them you love them in the color shirt they are wearing or simply telling them you love waking up next to them. This communication needs to be honest and sincere and can be extremely powerful in putting a smile on your partner's face when they are having a bad day.
Create some quiet time for yourself and your partner to be alone separately and to also be alone together. It is important to spend some time apart to allow each of you to recharge and do your own thing. Read a book or take a walk or go out with friends. Do whatever it is that you love to do when you need to recharge yourself. Sometimes you can be alone while you are both in the same house. My husband sometimes watches TV while I read a book and vice versa. We both do what helps us recharge and we can be together yet apart in the same space.
The First Year of Marriage Windows, Mac, Linux game
The First Year of Marriage is about you and your spouse’s first year of marriage. It’s one of ‘em suburban dysfunction stories. You move into an upscale neighborhood, and you have to survive through domestic conflicts. Also you kinda get the feeling that there’s something deeper and weirder going on where you live. You also have a live-in marriage counselor named Dr. Giggles who helps you whenever there’s a problem between you and your loved one. He lives across the hall from your room (easy access for counseling sessions!). At the end of the year, as per the tradition in this neighborhood, you are left with a portrait of your marriage counselor, a significant social status among the married. If it’s a happy portrait, your first year was a success and is a signifier of a happy marriage. If it’s a sad portrait, all those petty arguments you had sure built up and now everyone in the neighborhood thinks your marriage is doomed to fail! so be careful! :0)
To promote The First Year of Marriage and grow its popularity (top games), use the embed code provided on your homepage, blog, forums and elsewhere you desire. Or try our widget.
The First Year of Marriage Is Tough, No Matter How You Spin It
“The first year of marriage is the hardest,” I told my friend, trying to be comforting. The truth is, I’m not sure why I said it. It’s just something people say—I had no idea if it’s true or just helpful to hear. Why would the first year be the hardest? I assume that it was some kind of hangover from before people lived together, when marriage meant getting used to someone being all up in your space for the first time. But, in the 21st century when nearly half of women live with a partner before they’re married, does it really make a difference?
It really does. Because even though it may seem like old-fashioned advice, the first year of marriage is still a challenge. In fact, if anything, modern life has made marriage even more complicated. You’re just starting to come down from the wedding and suddenly you’re worried about combining finances, working around your two careers, the shared engagements of your two families, and are beginning to feel the realities of married life. Plus, the stresses of being a young adult are still there—student loan debt, the rising cost of living , not having enough space—but suddenly it’s doubled . You have to think about you and your partner. And the real problem? It’s taboo to talk about it. In an age of social media-primed “perfection,” you worry about looking unhappy or ungrateful, even like a bad partner. But there’s no shame in admitting that you’re struggling, and having a tough time doesn’t mean you regret getting married. Talking about it can do you a whole lot of good.
According to relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW , as it turns out, the first year really is the hardest—even if you’ve already lived together. In fact, it often doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for multiple years, the start of married life is still tricky. “I think that there are a few main reasons that the first year is so tough,” says Hartstein. “The year leading up to the wedding is usually very stressful and fraught.” Well, that’s an understatement.
Even if you have an amazing wedding and a ton of fun planning it, life after the big day can still be tricky—because suddenly it’s over . “There also can be a bit of an anti-climax post wedding ,” Hartstein says. “People have been working towards this goal for a year or two and it’s over in one night. It can be tough or disappointing to pick up the next day or after the honeymoon and get on with regular life.” So, when regular life sets back in and there’s no more flurry of excitement, it’s tempting to blame the most recent life change—marriage.
Another reason the first year of a marriage is different than just being in a couple is simple: marriage is different than just being a couple. “It’s simply different from cohabitation,” Hartstein explains. “Even though they look like the same thing, with cohabitation there’s always a relatively easy out. With marriage, you have signed a binding contract. You are in a permanent union and the stakes just feel higher. Every fight or disappointment within the marriage may feel more significant and more loaded because this is it .”
Whereas before every little fight may have seemed like no big deal, now you suddenly have the “oh-my-god-this-is-the-rest-of-my-life” factor making it all the more intense. And while you’re dealing with that feeling, don’t forget about your in-laws . Because they’re family too, now. Try not to panic.
And that’s just the emotional side of things. The practicalities of married life are difficult, especially at the beginning. You’re suddenly legally responsible for each other’s finances , which is a massive change, and discussing money can always be a powder keg. Plus, there’s the huge weight of the admin , especially if you’re changing your name. Updating bills, licenses, passports, deciding on joint accounts, writing thank you cards—it’s easy to see how the stress can build during that first year, when the reality of married life begins to sink in.
But It Doesn’t Have To Be A Disaster
There’s no need for the first year of your marriage to be unhappy. Sure, there’s a lot to be stressed about—but try to keep some perspective. If you find yourself feeling low or irritable, take a breath. Are you and your partner fighting because they’ve actually done something wrong? Is the marriage really the problem or are you just taking out your own feelings of frustration on your partner? Oftentimes, if you take some time and think about it, the problem will lie somewhere else.
By the same token, if there are problems with your partner, don’t feel like you can’t mention them now that you’re married. Just because you’ve committed to someone for life doesn’t suddenly make it less annoying when they leave their toenails everywhere or forget to ask you about your day. In fact, it’s more important than ever that you keep communication open . At the very least, let yourself vent to your friends. It doesn’t make you a bad partner—and they’ll understand.
If you’re struggling in your first 365 days, take some comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. If you keep some perspective and don’t use your marriage as a scapegoat, you should glide through just fine. “The good news is, the tough first year of marriage doesn’t last forever,” Hartstein says. “Couples settle down and get used to the marriage and most go on to have many easier, less bumpy years after that. At least until they get to the first year of having a child !” Not so fast—let’s get through the first year first.
7 rational reasons why the first year of marriage is crucial
“Summer days will turn cold,
All the leaves fade to gold
The season may change,
But one thing remains,
You are always by my side.”
These lovely words are from the wedding song, ‘By my side.’ The analogy of marriage to changing seasons is very apt, since marriage is constantly evolving, and never remains the same. The way you feel during the first year is nothing like what it was when you were dating, neither will it be the same during the later years. Most relationship experts consider marriage to be made of stages or phases, where the dynamics of the relationship changes as the couple gets to know each other and undergo personality changes themselves.
Of all these stages, the one that is considered the most crucial is the first year. This is when you’ve actually begun your journey together and your decisions are no longer yours alone; they impact another person too. How both of you bond during the first year sets the stage for the coming years. Here are 7 reasons why the first year of marriage is crucial for it to succeed in the long term.
1. You discover previously unknown sides to your spouse’s personality. A human being’s personality is so complex that it isn’t really possible to unearth it all during a lifetime, let alone in a few months of dating.
You’ll continue to discover new facets of your partner as the years roll by, but probably not as much as during the first year. By looking at it as an adventure and focusing on the positive aspects, you’re setting the stage for a beautiful journey of self-growth and understanding.
2. You realize each other’s sensitive spots. You may have discussed certain basics before tying the knot, and think you know your partner’s strengths and weaknesses inside out. Nothing could be farther than the truth! Many experiences shape a person, especially childhood ones that never really go away. These might result in certain topics that are particularly sensitive for your partner, which might be unexpected for you. By steering clear of those, you’ll have a partner who’ll love and respect you for it.
3. You understand your fighting pattern. No matter how much you avoid controversial topics, there are bound to be misunderstandings that eventually lead to fights.
This is perfectly normal and even necessary for a healthy marriage. But the way you fight is critical, since once a pattern is established, it’s hard to change it later. Be respectful, stick to the matter at hand, and don’t bring up family or past hurts.
4. Both of your crisis management becomes evident. During the first year, you might have to deal with some kind of crisis, which might be as early as during the honeymoon! How a person deals with a crisis says a lot about their personality, and both of you might be in for some surprises here. A situation like this will give you a good idea about who’s better at taking the lead in similar circumstances in the future so that you can tide over the crisis with minimum resistance and better understanding.
5. It’s easier to remember why you got hitched in the first place. For couples who fight a few years into their marriage, they might get so involved in the current misunderstanding that they forget that they were once in love.
But for those still in their first year, that memory is not too far away, and it’s easier to see the person you fell in love with. Embedding that memory in your mind goes a long way in helping you keep your eye on the big picture rather than minor everyday slights.
6. You’re now a family all by yourselves. Prior to getting married, ‘family’ always referred to your parents, siblings or grandparents etc. But after marriage, you’re not just a couple, you’re family. And you are likely to add more members to this as time passes. The first year of marriage is the foundation for this feeling that you belong with each other and are the base of a new family structure. The first year is the time to strengthen this base, so that welcoming new members will be easier and will not take a toll on the foundational relationship.
7. You’re each other’s ‘person.’ In the TV show, ‘Grey’s Anatomy,’ Meredith and Christina refer to each other as their ‘person,’ the one they’ll call if they need to bury a dead body. While we hope that you never have to deal with that, the principle is relevant to a marriage.
You are together, literally, for better or worse. The first year of marriage is when that feeling truly sinks in, when the first person you call for anything is your spouse. That is what a marriage is all about, sharing the joys and sorrows of life, no matter how trivial they may be.
Everyone talks about the first year being a honeymoon period when both of you are wearing rose-tinted glasses, but the truth is that it’s different for every couple. Nevertheless, the first year is a tremendous learning opportunity for both of you and sets the tone for how the rest of your life together will be. We’ll end here with these lines from the same song, ‘By My Side’:
The first year of marriage is hard and barely anyone speaks or writes about it. Marriage is marketed as a wedding in the West and as a continuation of family and tradition for others throughout the world, but that’s not what mainstream media and marketing wants to sell you, and most certainly not your parents, your religion, or even your friends. It’s been done for centuries, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that everyone is able to deal with it at first and it sure as hell doesn’t come naturally to all of us. The first year of marriage is incredibly hard for some, as it is a transitional phase that leads to many changes down the line, both for you and for your spouse.
Many people assume that the first year of marriage is the best – and for some, it certainly is. Others just continue to live their life normally, but there’s some nagging feeling like this isn’t what you expected it to be, but you just can’t place your finger on what’s wrong. The sex may be great, and you guys may get along, because you do – but when that uncertainty sets in, and especially when you consider and deal with the baggage that comes with marrying another person, things can get really rough, really fast. There are new habits to take into consideration, new values and a whole set of family that comes with the package; family that you may or may not get along with and habits that you may find to be annoying. Don’t assume it’s easy for your spouse either, because he or she has to deal with the same new circumstances as well. But sometimes you get a little bluer, a little angrier, a little more disillusioned than you think you should. You’re not alone – but you need to wake up.
I’ve been there. It’s hard, but I can attest that it’s rewarding because marriage changes you and not only changes you, it can make you a better, more realistic person, and you will learn with time to see reality for what it is.
It’s hard, that first year, if you were used to waking up and seeing your parents and siblings but you also have someone who chose to be with you for you – and that’s a beautiful thing. Marriage itself is exciting and tiring, beautiful and surprising, and sometimes we are drunk with this new-found sense of freedom and this new level of the relationship. One must keep in mind though, that that millions of people marry based on tradition, not love, and for them, marriage is a step that is drastically different from what they were used to, and their emotions are everywhere.
Sure, there are plenty of exceptions when it comes to this article – some people are very, very happy during their first year of marriage regardless of how they got married. But I guarantee you that it will hit you at some point, whether you’re 25 or 35 or 40, that marriage is a real sacrifice, and sometimes it can be a bitch. Sometimes, that marriage won’t work either, and that is usually for the best. But don’t automatically assume it won’t work; sometimes, it really is a matter of communication and if both are committed to making it work, it will.
Sometimes people leave in the first year, and that alone is stressful without the speculation by others of what went wrong. This is something that needs to be addressed, sometimes you feel trapped, but you just don’t do what your heart tells you to because of what people think. And it’s so easy to tell someone to fuck what people think, to disregard it and get a divorce and do what makes you happy, but if you’ve been there, you know it’s not that simple. You can’t tell a woman from a traditional society for example, that she should “just go” – she can’t. The same applies to men, who also feel the pressure of marriage but also are having a hard time adjusting. It’s not going to be realistic to assume that another person thinks the way you do, or that you’re always rainbows and sunshine and a pleasure to be around. Marriage is sometimes a shedding of a previous self that entails a whole lot of sacrifice. And sometimes it hurts, and other times, you might even regret what you did – but there is always a way.
If something is seriously wrong with the marriage – I urge you to think of yourself. You do not deserve and should not stand to be cheated on, abused either physically or mentally, or live with an addict who refuses to change. You should however, make sure that if you feel disillusionment, it may all be in your head. What are you expecting out of this relationship? It’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Sometimes you are wrong, and you justify your actions in your head. Sometimes you yell at your spouse and say things to intentionally hurt them because you are hurt. But this will not serve you well in the long run – you will create a monster known as bitterness that becomes apathy with time.
Always remember, your spouse’s life has changed too. Not just yours.
It’s a sign of growth when you learn to function with your partner as one unit.
Yes, the first year of marriage is hard. But it’s a transition and change does not always have to be smooth. Do you really know your partner before you assume your partner is not for you? Do you really care about the opinion of your partner? Did you really give it your all, and did you really do what is for the benefit of this relationship? You may think you do, but think about how you react when something doesn’t go your way. Did you ever consider something from your partner’s perspective, and did you ever think that they also have feelings and opinions about you as a person? Most importantly, how much would you like you if you were in the place of your spouse? This isn’t however, limited to your first year of marriage, these questions are questions you should think about every so often, to evaluate its health.
So yes, the first year of marriage is hard, but look at the bigger picture; it will change the way it is meant to, and it will get better if it was meant to be. If not, you will find a way but never settle for abuse. Don’t give up on your marriage if it can be fixed; because finding a true partner, a real companion, and someone who actually gives a damn about you is one of the best things you can have to add and enrich your life.